Love and Marriage Articles

Marriage - You Get Out What You Put In

by Susan Derry

You may have heard, "Garbage in, garbage out." This computer phrase reminds us that the quality of our results will depend on the quality of our input. This concept can also be applied to your marriage and relationships.

What is the quality of the effort that you are putting into your relationship? If you are finding that your relationship is not what you want it to be or that you are getting "garbage out," then you need to carefully consider what you are putting into your relationship.

If you feel the urge to point a finger at your partner and suggest that s/he is the one who is putting "garbage in," STOP. It is pointless and counterproductive to play the blame game. It will just lead to more frustration. You cannot change your partner, but if you do change your own behavior you are going to give them something new to react to. To see better results in your relationship begin by avoiding the "garbage in" behaviors.

Criticism

Whether we justify it by claiming to be honest, criticism never feels good to the receiver and does little to motivate change. Criticism evokes defensiveness or withdrawal and generally puts an end to productive discussion. It will slow or grind to a halt the process of finding solutions.

Rudeness or Thoughtlessness

These just leave a bad taste in everyone's mouth. Unintentionally saying or doing things that hurt your partner will happen occasionally, but when you cross the line to intentionally lashing out or belittling you damage your relationship. If your partner is rude or inconsiderate and you return in kind, rather than standing up for yourself assertively, you further damage your relationship.

Neglect

Taking each other for granted, neglecting to do or say those little things that say I love you, will gradually choke the life out of your relationship. Ignoring your partner's efforts to connect with you or to talk to you can lead to feelings of neglect. It is possible to be physically present and at the same time be emotionally unavailable to your partner.

Withdrawal

You may feel justified in withdrawing yourself or your affection when you feel hurt or disappointed. But withdrawing does not lead to a resolution of the problem, thus the problem reoccurs and you withdraw again. Eventually you will destroy the closeness and intimacy that you may have had in your relationship.

Dishonesty

Dishonesty destroys trust. Trust is an essential element of a healthy relationship. If you cannot trust or be trusted then you cannot be close. Are you being honest with your partner and are you allowing them to be honest with you?

Defensiveness

If you are so busy protecting yourself that you are unwilling to reach out to your partner, you are hurting your relationship. Defensiveness creates distance between you. You will begin to feel like you are pulling against each other rather than pulling together to strengthen your relationship.

"Garbage in" behaviors are those that give you "garbage out" or a far less than satisfied feeling. These behaviors will gradually erode your relationship until you are precariously balanced at the very edge of a crumbling connection.

Susan Derry
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine 

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